An uneasy feeling took over my body and mind. I have been on vacation for a few days from exhausting projects and mostly enjoying my time. Today it wasn't as easy as I wanted it to be. After I went through all surfaced emotions angry and frustrated, it was time to feel my true emotions, my experience of being lost and sad. Why couldn't I already be at a point in my life, where I could serve humanity as the Seer that I experience myself as? I had offered a mediumship service the day before and conveyed multiple messages from the spirit world. But this experience of incompleteness existed still, because I couldn't do it for a living.
Every now and then I took a deep breath, because the spirits reminded me to do so. As I became in contact with my feeling of being lost, I also found the question that I wanted to ask in that state: Who am I? Who am I now? What is the point in my life that I'm living currently and how would the spirits word it out for me?
My frustration didn't get away totally, so what I did was that I listened to a clip from a lovely Seer Niina-Matilda's book to be released. I listened to her soothing voice and comforting words and also found them meaningful in my curren life situation. Niina-Matilda was not the first person to tell me that it was in my soul's plan to become a healer in this life. If I'd let myself choose so, my position would be at least pointing out where the sickness was in the body, that's how she worded it, which a few months later actually did lead me to find out I could find the connection with the illness between our different energetic bodies in relation to the physical one.
I got a bit carried away there, but anyway - I got half way through the clip, when my whole day last desire to create new thoughts through doing something concrete took over. I searched and found some deep, new music (it was important that it was new to me) to listen to and I quite spontaneously decided to make a spirit journey. I asked for protection to my journey. I was asked by the spirits what I wanted and I said I wanted to clean my soul, my energy and find more about myself and what was creating me feeling like was being stuck.
This week for a couple of days the spirits gave me signs that my sacral chakra was working overactive. I didn't want to believe it (as an unfinished human being over-anything makes me feel ashamed), but the signs were clear. One of the signs was that a pimple appeared right on the back of my spine, where sacral chakra is located. "Oh boy, here we go" I thought. A few days later I suffered from very uncomfortable stomach cramps. I usually never had those during my menstrual cycle and later I discovered that my whole period was not doing it's normal thing. Next day I wake up not that well rested. I tried to ask for the spirits to help me, but I also was battling with the inner-knowing that all this was going to be a lesson experience. I had also noticed that in the end I had picked by my body's guidance-- foods that contained iron like liverwurst and spinach-- which could've suggested I had also problems with my root chakra.
My spirit journey started from a cave. Usually during these journeys, I've had to go to the cave first and when I've searched for answers inside it, I've only found my own fear reflecting from the astral and spirit world. It has never felt an easy journey until now. This time I was already in there and I decided to find my way to a scenery of a night sky, somewhere in Africa from the ceiling of the cave. The starry scenery was very pure and clear and the ground was lit vaguely by an unknown source of light. The ground was covered with tile red dust. I sensed and saw glimpses of few animals around me.
I had a hunch this was a new platform for my on-going and future journeys in the spirit world. An eagle flew over to me, holding some sort of vessel filled with yellow liquid that felt bad for health in it's claws. I knew the liquid had something to do with fat and organic functions near the liver, possibly affecting the spleen. "What am I supposed to do with that?" I thought. The scenery changed. I know I now was situated somewhere in the human world. I see a man collapsing against the kitchen counter while his wife rushes over to him. He's having a seizure and is about to die. Because I'm taken there to see it, I instantly reason to myself that I must be there to heal this man as a spirit. I take the vessel now looking like a glass jar from the eagle's claws and I rush to find a way to clear it. I throw away the yellow substance to a basket (I thought that it would've done ill to throw the man's sickness to the ground representing our Mother Earth) and find a river where to clear the jar. When the jar is dry and empty I find that it's not clean and that clear water wasn't enough to clean it. I find a cauldron and boil some hot water. Finally I'm done with the cleaning. I'm constantly reminded by the spirits that I should not rush as I could not think clearly. At the same time I could feel time fleeing and the man getting closer to his death. I fill the jar with fresh water. When I'm rushing back to the scenery where the man is dying, the spirits tell me there is no point to rush as a healer, because then no remedy would be as effective as it should. Every step of the way was important energy to complete the healing efficiently. I understand that I have been clearing the man's organs energetically to help him recover from the seizure before it's too late.
Fearsome images merge from the man's body confronting me as I reach the kitchen and in a few moments I understand the images represented the fear of the ego leaving the material world and vanishing. For a moment they were also mirroring my own fears in the situation of getting turned down from my help. I manage to hand over the jar with fresh water 'to him'.
In no time I see the man's spirit separate from the body and staring to my eyes. He's smiling knowingly. I now understood he wanted to leave the body, it was his decision all along. My efforts to help him were in vain. Now he wasn't the one in need of healing: I was his student in the situation. I could not heal someone not needing nor wanting help. I understood same thing would go down with everyone I ever decided to provide spiritual guidance to.
The scenery changes. I'm taken to a grassy field. I'm a woman in a vaguely historical garment standing next to a forest alone. Suddenly I feel hands grabbing me from my back and his lips touching my ear in lust. His closeness and his words that I couldn't hear felt sickening. I shake away from his grip and tell him to leave me. I walk away a few dozen meters from the forest and let myself fall on my knees to wonder what had just happened. I felt strong confusion going inside of me. In no time while still wondering I find that same man returning to me, now taken over by his decision to rape this female body of mine in that past life. In the end the man probably leaves, I'm not sure. But I feel the woman's confusion has no end and because it has no end it feels pestering. She asked "Why I wasn't given the opportunity to love the one that entered my body?" I ask what I should learn from this and I'm given a red rose as a symbol with clairknowing of it's message: It would do good to let myself love free when it comes to romantic feelings. I understood that I had been craving for love and closeness for myself that I hadn't dared to ask. That it wasn't only my romantic partner's choice to love or want me.
I know that sex creates a karmic bond, even if it didn't happen from love. I then asked from the spirits about what I should do. I seeked the energy of the man that raped my past self and let my past self do the work. My present-self felt now confused too, because of the need I felt my past-self had, but I did it anyway. I kissed the man on his lips gently and then gave him a hug. That was my forgiveness and acceptance of an apology from him in advance, even if I never felt him say he was sorry. I knew he couldn't say that, because he didn't know better yet. That energy felt child like, emptied from the darkness it held inside, harmless at that present moment, so little left of what he was. Then I sent him away the same path in the woods he had popped into my past self's life. I watched his back as he walked farther and farther away. It took a good moment. When he was at the end of the visible path it started to look like he couldn't go any further without me interfering. I pushed him out of sight with my mind.
I had to open my eyes, because I heard falling on my table. Earlier I had been squeezing an orange pen in my palm, but I had opened my hands during my journey a good while earlier. The item fallen on the table in front of me was that particular orange pen. The color orange represented the color of y sacral chakra. I knew the situation had been sealed for good and that pen also underscored it as a sign.
Next up the spirits took me to a place that felt like a spiritual school. I was walking around in orange trousers with yellow robes and a headpiece with maybe accents of red. The clothing reminded me very much of something I had seen before somewhere in the media. It had elements that reminded me of Russian, Turkish and Indian way of dressing in maybe ancient carvings and art. Because I didn't recognize it, it bothered me a bit, but I let it go. I meet a spirit of a female who has a very adviser type of touch to her energy. She gives me a symbolic tool to my future romantic relationships. It's a brush for washing my partner's back with love. The symbol of love, tenderness and forgiveness (which cleans away any harsh history between us) and at the other end of the brush there were scissors for cutting the karmic bond between us once and for a all.
I find myself back again at the African plains under the starry sky. I have only vague impressions of the discussion I had with the spirits in this last part, but I remember having the clairknowing sensation that the problem with my sacral chakra was now fixed from at least one area. I could feel it had had an effect on my solar plexus too. I asked if I needed to know nothing more for today, the answer was no.
It keeps amazing me how simple it is to heal past lives during meditation. This was the first time I feel I have forgiven someone from a past life as efficiently. I'm awaiting changes to my physical and mental health during the next few days. Right now I feel... relieved. I believe and assume this past life healing was linked to the series of other feminine healing I've been confronting for a couple of years now.
Ironically right after I was done and came back to social media I bumped into this gif-picture saying: "When you say goodnight to your date and let out a fart you've been holding in all night". That might emphasize the problem I had been holding to from my past life energywise...
Spirits and their humor!
In the end, I wasn't given a straight answer to why I can't fulfill my mission in the spiritual area of life, but this definitely gave me more wisdom about listening to the signs of my body and some meaningful things about healing... Time will show.